Dear Daughter, When I told you that you would be able to choose what you had for dinner as soon as you stopped shouting at daddy and me and started behaving my expectation was for you to start behaving. It was not for you to fall to the floor and wail “I’m never going to choose again!!!!” Whilst in floods of tears. Although you do get kudos for self-recognition.
Dear daughter, well done yesterday for actually telling someone when you got hurt at school that is progress. I did however mean a grown up not you non-verbal best friend who is in no position to render first aid. That’s my bad for not being specific.
Dear daughter, I know to you the back garden seems enormous but you can not get to India from it. No, not even on a bicycle, even if you carry a sparkly stick. I don’t think making daddy carry a sparkly stick and walk behind you is going to improve your odds much. Although I do admit baby tomato dragons do seem like something I would want to see as well. Oh you’re off to Australia to find a Unikitty, would you like me to pack you a lunch?
Dear daughter, you don’t like chocolate milk. You will only eat (drink) ice cream with a straw once it has warmed up and become a chocolate creamy liquid. You will only drink hot chocolate through a straw when it has cooled down to a chocolate creamy liquid. Life would be much simpler if you would drink chocolate milk….
Dear daughter,
It’s not Tuesday November 17th. It won’t be for a number of years. Screaming at me, the calendars, the Ipad, tv, my watch and anything else with a date on it will not change the date. It is out of my control and there is nothing I can do to change it. Please stop having a meltdown and telling Siri she’s wrong.
Dear Daughter,
Telling me you are going to do an upside down handstand in a swimming pool is not as impressive as you think. It means you are standing upright. In a pool this is not a death defying feat. That is not a challenge.
Dear daughter, sometimes I think that you are incredibly intelligent and you say things that are fantastically profound. Why has it taken 10 minutes for your father to convince you that you need peanuts to make peanut butter ?
Dear daughter, it’s wonderful that you want to work on phonics I love that you sound out each letter on your phonic cards. Here’s the thing though you are supposed to put the sounds together not go S. … h…… I…..P…… boat! I know you know the photo is a boat but it’s also a ship. The word is ship don’t try and persuade me that it say boat.
Dear daughter, I know you’re a cartoon baby but when your father shouts “hey look a distraction!” Do you have to stop what you’re doing and look around like a startled meerkat shouting “Where?” Every time?! It’s getting ridiculous.
Dear daughter,
I don’t even know where to begin. I am aware that some people ascribe healing properties to various crystals and that quartz is widely regarded as one that can improve health.
With these healing stones at one end of the scale I suppose it makes some sort of bizarre logic that at the other there are sick pebbles. For the last few days you have been nursing an unwell rock (called Daniel) which you have informed me has leukaemia and needs to be kept in a sterile environment. As evidence of this you have pointed out Daniel’s pale colour and lathergy. Arguments that it is in fact a white rock seem to have fallen on deaf ears so out of interest how does one ‘cure’ a sick rock???
Oh a new rock this one has hypothermia wonderful.
Dear daughter, I admire your determination and enthusiasm but it doesn’t matter how fast you and what you jump off you are not going to reach escape velocity. Sorry you are still going to need a rocket to go to the moon.
Dear daughter, the storm drains are for water. The grates are big enough for water. That is why your finger got stuck. Screaming like a banshee won’t free you be grateful we have a well stocked garage because the fire service would not see this as an emergency and you would have been there a long time. You’re a muppet what are you?
Dear daughter, when I go ‘ok fine’ it’s not that you’ve convinced me of your point of view I’ve just remembered that I’m arguing with a 6 year old that the noise a pig makes is ‘neigh’, that cows go ‘oink’, chickens ‘quack’ and dogs ‘meow’. I don’t think you’re correct I just lost the will to live. You do you kid. Just stop believing you can see with your ears. That’s how you walk into the doors. Again.
Dear Daughter,
I know that you eat enough chocolate-hazelnut spread that we now buy the hazelnuts in bulk and make it ourselves to prevent bankruptcy but this is not necessarily the only qualification of being a squirrel. Granted an affinity for the for nuts is an important part of a squirrels life, as is climbing trees which you also do and chattering in an unintelligible fashion whilst being cute and dashing about…. Yeah ok you’re a squirrel.
Dear Daughter, blueberry jam by its very nature contains blueberries. Asking for your toast to have blueberry jam without blueberries is rather like the time you asked to bathe in dry water. Some things are simply not possible. Sitting there with a fork extracting blobs that you claim are blueberries is doing nothing for the texture of your food. It is however pissing me off.
Dear daughter, I don’t care how gently you use it it’s not possible to tickle someone with a hammer.
Dear daughter you fractured your arm less than a week ago. The splint is not a fashion statement. Please slow down or at least stop pretending you’re a monkey
Dear daughter you are on form today. I am so proud that when your father picked us up from swimming you greeted him with the phrase “I love you daddy, buy me things” in your most dulcet voice. That’s my girl you’re going to cost some poor sod a fortune in the future. Until then there’s Mastercard.
Dear daughter, if you walk around the kitchen with a blindfold on you are going to bump into things. It is not the oven’s fault it hasn’t moved. It’s not silly but I know someone who is….
Dear daughter, I know it’s exciting that’s it’s Christmas Eve. I get you’re very happy to be at grandmas but it’s 3.30 am I don’t want to play monopoly, you don’t know HOW to play monopoly, no one wants to play monopoly go the f**k to sleep!
Dear daughter, you have snuck off to the kitchen/dining room on your own and there is a lot of rattling noise going on. Your father asked you what you were doing. The answer “I don’t know” was not reassuring.
Dear daughter, I can’t cope. You can’t have a meltdown over been asked not to meltdown, this is a spicy logic too early in the morning for me to find my way through. Also melting down whilst chanting ‘meltdown’ over and over is a new way to do this. Fuckit I’m off to find coffee.
Dear daughter, when you latest turn at ‘I spy’ is “I spy something something hidden” I can’t help but feel you have failed to grasp the fundamentals of the game.
Dear daughter; you have shut us out of the living room, closed the shutters and have requested your elbow pads be put on. What are you doing in there ?! If I hear cry of “watch this!” Or a loud crash I’m not coming.
Dear daughter, when you take apart a jigsaw puzzle the idea is to put it together again. Not just turn to your parents and say you need ‘help’ (i.e. you want us to do it for you). To optimistically say “I’ve done one” isn’t going to be the winning answer.
Dear daughter. When I got you the fuse and water beads kits it was to improve you skills. The skills I had in mind were ‘fine motor control’ as these were highlighted in your school report as needing practise. The skills you have improved seemed to have been ‘delegating and leadership’ as every handle in the house is covered in the bloody things and you have yet to make one. Muggins here has made most of them but you have roped most adults into doing them for you. Seriously how?! When it comes to delegation you really did get someone else to write the book for you…
Dear Daughter, some of your literal answers are fantastic: when the cashier tried to be friendly and asked “what do you want to do after school?”, the reason she looked so confused by your answer of “Clare day” was because she didn’t mean at the end of the school day (but I’m glad you like your childminder) but when you have completed your education. Stupid question for a 5 year old I agree.
Also when your father asked who Blippi was talking to on the TV he was trying to ascertain if you could recognise a firefighter. The answer “Him” was, while correct, not enlightening.
Dear daughter, I am gratified by your love of nature but making dinner time extend by half an hour because you need to watch slugs out the window is taking it too far.
Dear daughter, I know you like cake, I know you like it a lot but to tell us that it is your toy’s birthday and then insist that we have a party so you can buy him a cake is getting a bit much the fact that it worked irrelevant….we like cake too.
Dear daughter, when someone has a headache they know they have a headache. You don’t need to shh them when they cough and tell them thier head hurts. The pain lets them know this.
Dear daughter, your school spent the last hour trying to convince you to get up and dance. There was a dance instructor brought in and everything. All the other teachers were dancing, most of the other students were dancing (although I do admit some of the ones in wheelchairs were actually asleep) and the majority of attending parents were also joining in. Throughout this time you insisted that both you and I stayed perfectly still, welded to seats in a corner. So why is it the first you do when you get home is dance along along with sodding Blippi on the TV?!
Dear daughter, why is it that for your dinner we need 4 spoons? I wouldn’t mind so much but that was just for your main course which was a bowl of porridge. I would accept you needed one to eat and (maybe) one to sprinkle sugar but do you really need the other two. Also why is it that the other two can ONLY be used for porridge? I ask this as for some reason you had to eat your ice lolly with a completely different spoon…and a fork and plate. Why do you need a fork to eat an ice lolly?
Dear daughter, I’m sorry your bath is too wet but this is one of the problems that we cannot solve right now. I will endeavour to find some drier water for your next bath.
Dear daughter, when someone tells you that they don’t want to be hit, even in play – the correct response is to stop and apologise. It is not to tell them “yes you do” and continue on regardless.
Dear daughter, just because you made them doesn’t mean you can eat all 10 cupcakes in 1 sitting.
Dear daughter, we have just got your first school interim report. Why does it include the same phrases as your EHCP and MAAT reports? e.g. ‘follows her own agenda’ (wont do what she’s bloody told), ‘very helpful to peers (likes other children providing they do as they’re told), ‘will correct me and put numbers in order’ (thinks teacher is an idiot)….
Still thank you for giving your father and I a laugh
Dear daughter, while it’s lovely (and a little amazing) to hear you read along with ‘The Gruffalo’ with your father, having the fox take one look at the Gruffalo and say “yummy food” does rather change the tone of the ending….
Dear daughter, if stimming whilst sitting on your triceratops (sentences I’d never thought I’d say) is so complicated that you need to scream ‘help me mummy’ repeatedly whilst trying; may I suggest sitting on a chair like a normal human? … yeah ok not going to happen but can you at least stop bouncing on the thing?!
Dear daughter, While I’m gratified in your interest in rudimentary physics. Did you have to discover fulcrums at the breakfast table? More importantly did you have to use this new discovery to make a trebuchet and launch your toy octopus off the table with a place mat?!
Dear daughter, after we have spent 15 minutes battling, begging and cajoling you to eat the yoghurt that YOU ASKED FOR; the bubbly “thank you” when you hand back the empty pot and spoon sound an awful lot like ‘fuck you’. Also if you are wondering why the response sounded strange: “you’re welcome” is hard to say well through gritted teeth.
Dear daughter, while I am truly greatful that you have grasped the importance of dental hygiene, brushing your teeth 8 times in one hour could be deemed excessive. Also Baby shark is a shark, so they have multiple sets of teeth in their lifetime. You don’t need to brush them. Aside from this it’s man made, and I’m not convinced that toothpaste is going to be good for the metal springs….
Dear child, while I greatly appreciate your efforts to clear up your spilt porridge this morning I do understand why your father seemed less impressed. Next time try putting the bits you pick up in the bin, not his slippers, especially while he is wearing said slippers.
Dear child, while I appreciate the break from “Paw Patrol”. I am very confused by “Hey Duggee” why does the octopus have to become a fish so it can breathe underwater? Also what is the mechanism by which this is achieved??
Dear child,
It’s Christmas Eve do we really have to listen to the Halloween baby shark songs still. You’ve heard them on repeat every day since the beginning of OCTOBER, please can we move on? ….no. sigh ok, everyone: gather the marigolds and make a lei, light the candles on the this day….
Dear Child, you get a pass on a lot of the social mores and rules of being a human. You reallly, REALLY do; I have given up expecting you to talk or to not throw yourself of high places or sleep for more than 2 hours or leaving your bedding in your bedroom, but there is a line. You do need to eat and you do need to wear clothes. These two events need to happen simultaneously in most events cases.
Granted not wearing clothes whilst eating would save on the washing but what would save on the washing more would be if you didn’t keep submerging your t-shirts in your water table in an attempt to wash the water off when you get them wet when playing. Seriously what’s with that?!
Dear child, While I am relieved that you have come back from the park having (somehow) managed to make friends without being about to speak. The fact that said friends are trying to coax you onto the roundabout with rocks like they would use food to coax a frightened animal is daft. The fact that is worked is ridiculous.
Dear child,
Yesterday we went to a not inconsiderable effort to get your paddling pool inflated and ready to use today. So why are you trying to sit in your water table I mean really? REALLY?!
Dear child,
When we got you a water table to play with it was with the idea that you used the toys with your HANDS and that you poured the water back into the table. This idea was reinforced by the pictures on the box of other children doing exactly this. So why do you insist in standing in it and pouring the water on your feet?
Also the consequence of this will be wet feet. It always has been and while you are on Earth always will be. Yes the bottoms of your leggings get wet, taking your t-shirt off wont solve this. Stop running around the garden naked!!!!!
Dear child we have been on the beach an hour. You haven’t looked at the water once. We can still see the car. You have spent the last 20 Min trying to shovel all the pebbles from the top of the shore to the bottom
It is rocks all the way down. I’m bored and I have a degree in marine biology I’m used to standing around on beaches can we go yet?!
Dear child, Under the table where you sit there is a plastic table cloth. It has always been there, I know it has always been there but it has, after three years worn out. I realise now that I should have consulted you before replacing it with another plastic table cloth. If you would give the new one a chance I am sure that you will be just as close to it as the old one, please stop trying to throw it out; it will not bring the original one back and the survival of the carpet requires it. Also stop poking it and dragging me down so that my face is an inch away from it I’m aware it has changed.
Dear toddler, I know that we complained that the hour change is a problem but that didn’t mean that we wanted you to stay up for three hours in the small hours this morning to make sure that our body clocks are well and truly scuppered by the time morning came. Seriously go the **** to sleep
Dear toddler, we have been the only ones that have been in any of the five playground and four parks you have taken us to (twice) today. You are the reason I have spent a proportion of your fathers’ bonus on even more wet weather clothing. Have you considered expending some of your energy in learning to talk instead of running round like a lunatic? I didn’t think so sigh more wellies it is then….
Dear toddler, while I normally encourage your creativity, being woken up at 1am because half your pillow fort fell off your bed will never be met with the enthusiasm you’re used too. Also when you decide to rebuild the bloody fort you can wait until morning to show me. Morning does not mean 3.30 am GO THE F**K TO SLEEP.
Dear toddler, I know your were happy to be in a cool room but seriously putting you to bed should not register as a 20 minute ‘aerobic workout’ on my Fitbit….
Dear Netflix, I have a daughter who is fixated on Green Eggs and Ham. We have watched EVERY SINGLE ONE more times than I can count. We can quote every episode, sing the theme tune and name every character. We can give you the backstory to everyone in the show. You don’t need to send me an email asking me if we liked it and another sodding email ‘reminding’ us to finish the series. We have so many times.
Dear toddler while the art work you produced was (obviously) a composition that rivals Dali or Picasso; did you have to, in the process of making it, also paint; yourself, the cat, the grass and me? While most of this doesn’t matter or can be cleaned the cat is walking around a day later still wondering why everything smells of paint admittedly she should’ve had learnt a lesson after the first time this happened although this was 8 years ago….
Dear toddler, you are growing too fast. Stop it. Or learn to talk that would work too.
Dear toddler, happy birthday. But did you have to celebrate becoming 2 by getting your foot stuck in your pjs and demanding help out of the at 1am?!?!
Dear baby, you’re sick, you have a cold. I know this because your eyes are swollen and your nose blocked. So why the hell haven’t you noticed??! For pity’s sake slow down and give yourself a chance to mend. That doesn’t mean try to launch yourself off the arm of the couch.
Dear baby I’m sorry you think I’m such an arsehole for taking your porridge away but it was on the floor and you were sharing it with the cat.
Dear baby, when you’re napping before 8am maybe consider getting up later than 4….
Dear baby, if you remove your blanket, your shoe and your sock you will have a cold foot. Complaining that you have a cold foot while you are in your car seat and the car is moving wont help there is nothing I can do at that point.
Dear fire alarm, why is it that whenever my husband is making omelettes you decided to wailing like a cat with its tail caught in a door but when I actually set fire to the frying pan, jump up and down and hit it with a spatula like some sort of demented sim you make not a sound?
Dear baby, I am concerned that you have a cold, but I’m more concerned that it seems to have turned you into Gollum ….
Dear baby, I know you like beating your personal bests but really 7 changes of clothes in one day is a record I could do without!
Dear baby, hairbrushes should be used on hair, toothbrushes on teeth, doing it the other way round is why you’re having a hard time.
Dear baby, you’re tired. The reason you’re tired is you got up at 10 to 6 this morning and then whinged at me until you were allowed to go downstairs and play with your toys. Stop whining that you’re tired.
Dear baby, your father thinks you should have a cute giggle not a Demonic cackle. I think he forgot who he married….
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Raising the Modern Fae 