I have recently been reminded of the importance of having a routine in the lives of fae children. In all children, in fact, but doubly for those of a neuro-divergent disposition. Routines and structure give children security and a sense of safety; without it they are more inclined to act out. Studies have shown that there is an increase in behaviour issues in children who don’t have a routine in their household: Anyone who has ever seen an episode of shows like ‘Supernanny’ will know this, as it’s the first thing to be instituted.
They can also be used as a way of reducing stress and frustration (and therefore meltdowns) in fae children. Especially if they themselves are included in the creation of such routines: It should not be a dictat from On High.
The routines in our house would seem, to the standard neuro-typical parenting person, insane. I am fully aware of this, and I don’t care. They have evolved organically for the most part, and they work. The key is finding what works for your family and sticking to it. We defend our routines jealously, even when this means we do not go on holiday and we have been known to (politely) kick out guests and relatives before 6 in the evening to maintain them. Sorry, not sorry. If it means I can get my daughter to eat her dinner AND sleep in her bed in the evening, you are leaving whether it’s politely through the door, or being hurled through the window.
Her breakfast routine is a prime example of this: it began when I started weaning her and found that she would accept porridge in the morning. This was a win for me, as porridge is reasonably nutritious, filling, and not loaded with sugar or salt. It is also quick to make. I told my husband how I made it one day, as I was busy with her. Since then, she decided that she will only eat porridge if daddy makes it (sorry daddy you are just going to have to get up every day and make her breakfast). It has to be made in the same bowl, mixed with the same spoon, and heated in the microwave. We’ve tried using the hob (we did that just yesterday, because of a power cut) and she simply won’t eat it. The milk has to be measured using a Tommee Tippee baby bottle (that we have because we used to have to use a special formula as she was allergic to cow milk and soya) because that’s what she can hold to pour the milk carefully into the bowl.
Once cooked (she HAS to push the button on the microwave) and sweetened with a multivitamin (can’t recommend this trick enough: you can use the syrup multivits to flavour porridge and get them into fae children, providing it’s all they’ve ever known), it is served in a long-suffering blue suction-cup bowl. The actual suction-cup part departed this world in 2019, but we are not allowed to change it out.
We bought our dining room furniture with our fae in mind. It is made of oak and steel girders, and would be my first choice to hide under in the event of a direct bomb strike. So far it has also withstood the continual movement of our fae during meal times: she sits or lays or squirms or dances on her 6ft long, 2ft wide bench as she eats. She has the entire 6ft to herself, even if we have guests: they sit on the ends in chairs or squeeze on the other side with us. Otherwise, you end up with bruises from being used as a crash barrier, as she careens into you during intervals between mouthfuls of food.
She still uses a sippy cup but I have been allowed to remove the lid so it is an open top beaker. She will not consider drinking from anything else during meals. We don’t fill it, we have a bottle of water and continually top the beaker up, this means when she inevitably knocks it over during her over-excited flailing there is only a little to clean up. We keep the bottle out of reach and she accepts that she’s not meant to touch it. Her dishes are moved to the same empty place mat off to her right when empty. She can also put things here unfinished, as a way to say she is full.
When she has finished comes the ceremonial wiping of the face and hands with a damp cloth. She doesn’t necessarily need it any more, but she’s used to it and now it’s routine and she insists and will not get down until it has been done.
This is not all the chaos, but the highlights, and most meals follow this basic pattern with where things go and how much effort is put into them.
We also have similarly in-depth routines for bedtime and they start before dinner time! The main take-away point I would suggest is: turn off tech from dinner time. Screen time is very useful, but overstimulation before bed can make it very difficult for children to turn off and fall asleep easily. It can also affect the quality of sleep they receive.
Our daughter finds baths very stimulating – she loves water – so we bathe her straight after dinner and change her ready for bed. We then only allow calming activities such as puzzles, lego and (probably specific to my child) mathematics – it’s her special interest and she loves numbers. 20 minutes before bed, we grab her favourite stuffed toys, a blanket and night-time books – we keep these the same each night – and read together. She may or may not fall asleep with us.
The last book of the night is always the same one, regardless of whether she appears to be awake or not. Like the hand-wiping at the end of dinner, it is a signpost. We use this book to indicate that it is now time to go to bed, so it doesn’t come as a surprise to her and also it allows her to choose that book if she’s ready for bed.
Signposting like this is useful because it means that we can communicate to our non-verbal child that a change is about to happen. But, equally important, she can indicate she wants that change. If she is tired and wants to go to bed, she will select the signpost book as a way to say so. If she wants a hot chocolate, she fetches the special cup her grandma gave her that is used for nothing else. And so on.
This allows her to communicate without words, reducing frustration. It is why routine is important. If A always equals B, then they can use A to tell you they WANT B. Building signposts into a routine helps prevent meltdowns, and eases frustration on both sides.
Raising the Modern Fae 