There are times that, like it or not, your fae needs to do what you tell them. This can cause conflict: if they have PDA (pathological demand avoidance) tendencies, it can be impossible, or at least very difficult. I have some suggestions for how to get your way with your fae child, some of these come from what works for my daughter (that we’ve made up as we went) but most are adapted from my time as a teacher. You would be surprised at how much overlap there is.
Firstly no matter how tempting it is, and no matter how near you may be at the end of your tether, don’t shout if at all possible. This is for a number of reasons: if you continually shout, it loses its effectiveness – ‘mummy always shouts so I will ignore her’ – or worse it will be seen as funny. Either way, what happens is: they ignore you; and you become more frustrated. Shouting doesn’t work.
Offer choices where you get what you want with either option selected; are THEY putting their shoes and socks on; or are YOU helping them? Either way they end up with their shoes and socks on, it doesn’t really matter how it happens.
Leave plenty of time. There is nothing worse than the added pressure of a deadline, whether it’s getting to school or catching a bus. If you know that they need to be ready by a certain moment, leave time to get them there.
Give warnings of change of activity, it doesn’t have to be 5 mins every time, but give some notice; make it clear and concise; and walk away after. Don’t respond to shouts of NO or protests. They know it’s happening, responding to the protest makes them think they can negotiate it. The idea is to make the clock the enemy, not you. ‘We have to leave in 2 mins, time’s up, nothing I can do’.
If there are tasks that your child really doesn’t like but needs to be done (for our daughter, it’s nappy changes) turn it into a competition. We race our daughter to the bathroom: she loves to win, and then she is happy to have the change done now she’s there. We may also compete to see who can finish dinner first, or get to her fork first – she always wins, but then she eats her dinner.
Use ‘when-and-then’ statements. It puts the onus on them to do what you want e.g. “when you put your socks and shoes on, then we can go to the park”. Be clear on what they need to do for you to get the outcome they want.
Warn of consequences that you can follow through on. Never threaten something that you can’t do. We learnt early on that time outs were not the way to go with our daughter, and the punishment had to fit the crime. Where possible, we give her time to change her behaviour (obviously if what she is doing is dangerous, this isn’t possible) I give her a slow countdown from 5. This is enough for her to weigh her options.
If possible, offer a choice; do you want to hold mummy’s hand or daddy’s hand? I don’t care whose hand she holds, so long as she is holding one or the other. It gives her some sense of control over events but also keeps her safe.
Focus on outcomes not methods – what are you trying to achieve? Does it matter how you get them to wear their seatbelt, so long as they do wear it? Do you really care if their clothes are on back to front and inside out, so long as they put them on?
Regardless of how they externally portray them (or don’t), your fae feels emotions deeply: they take things to heart, so take care with how you speak to them; if they are melting down or upset they may need you to name the emotion for them. Give them the words, let them know it’s ok to be angry or frustrated or sad;let them know you understand why they feel that way; and show them how to deal with it in a healthy way. Above all, be calm: you are their anchor, and if you get angry or distressed, then they are going to be adrift.
Your child is a small human and needs to be treated with respect. That doesn’t mean they get to do what they like, when they like; all children need boundaries. Those boundaries need to be firmly enforced: the harder they test it, the more you need to hold it. If you let them break them, or they can’t find any, then children feel very unsafe and their behaviour becomes more outrageous. Be firm but fair: children don’t need to be insulted or scared into behaving, and they certainly shouldn’t be hit or smacked. Smacking a child doesn’t teach respect, it teaches fear and that is not useful in the long run.
Raising the Modern Fae 