There is a “joke” that regularly makes the rounds online: you don’t know tired unless you’re ’parent tired’. Every time he sees this, my husband grits his teeth and tries not to snap that the people posting this (and it is always parents of neuro-typical children, as the rest of us don’t have the time) themselves don’t know tired, as they are “parenting on easy mode.”
It is an ongoing bugbear of mine – and of the mothers of other neuro-spicy children I know – that parents of NT children will frequently offer advice and counselling. Normally in a sage tone, like they have all the answers and know everything about our challenges.
Here’s a newsflash. If your child is developing at the normal rate: can survive and understand society in a way that’s deemed acceptable for their age; doesn’t routinely go home and crumple into an emotional or physical mess; can sleep on an average night without the need for chemical or hormonal treatments… then don’t give us your two pence worth. You have NO idea what we are facing with children who don’t fit the typical mold.
At present, I am typing this in a soft play, grateful that I don’t need to look at the keyboard (and that my husband will edit it to make it make sense and check the SPAG later) so I can keep my eyes fixed on my daughter. I can’t take my attention off her. She is continually trying to engage with other babies and their parents. She will try and adopt the parents, or encourage younger children on to equipment that is too advanced for them. Not out of malice, but because she doesn’t understand that smaller children and babies should not be on drop slides, and their parents may not approve of this. I also need to keep her out of the baby areas. I can’t tell her and expect her to play in the areas she should be in because she doesn’t ’get it’.
I don’t need to hear about what works for your child: it won’t work for mine. I don’t care if your 10 year old will do what you ask, because you were ‘strict when they were young and told them no’ – good for you. My kid was non-verbal and *didn’t understand* being told anything, so explain how that would work. I don’t want to know that you toileted your youngest pre-birth and were teaching them calculus at 3 months. I don’t care.
I have been told, as have others in my situation, that I should put her in time out or other consequences. These have no meaning for my daughter. She doesn’t understand why she is being punished, or even that it is a punishment, so there is no point. Thus far, the most effective threat we have found for her is ‘I will boop your nose’.
Seriously. Not something that would work with most kids, but for mine it’s the best way of distracting her out of whatever she has hyper fixated on at that moment. She’ll stop what she’s doing (yay!) in order to gigglingly protect her nose from the ominous adult finger. It’s also something you can growl (or yell) in public and no one will report you for it. So, win-win.
So if you’re parenting in easy mode, and you know or meet parents that have neuro-divergent kids, please do us all a favour and don’t offer advice unless asked for it.
Raising the Modern Fae 