Is there a translation service?

Does anyone have a translation book, app, or—better yet—a small yellow fish you pop in your ear that will tell you what your fae child actually means?

I understand she’s still getting to grips with language. I understand that, because of the way her brain works (ooh look, fireworks!) she sometimes says things she doesn’t mean. That part I can handle.

The problem is when she says things she does mean… and they still make no sense.

Most of the time they’re harmless little statements that can be batted aside with vague noises of agreement. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard something incomprehensible, nodded wisely, gone “uh-huh,” and she totters off perfectly satisfied.

But sometimes. Sometimes. They’re not statements—they’re questions. And apparently, I’m expected to produce a coherent answer on the spot.

Well, shit.

For example, could anyone explain to me:

• “What time will it be tomorrow?”
  
• “Why doesn’t the kangaroo make me fly?”
  
• “Daddy, you should be mummy. Why aren’t you a mummy?”
  

I promise you, context does not help. I don’t get any context. I just get the question, then the question repeated with more irritation, then the question shouted at me, followed by stamping feet and the occasional small fist.

At this point my usual response is to declare “no hablo inglés” and suggest we watch Paw Patrol. Tactical retreat, problem solved.

And yet—I would still very much like to know why the kangaroo doesn’t make her fly, and more importantly, why she thought it should.

I asked ChatGPT for answers to the questions, this is what it had. 

Parent Survival Guide to Impossible Questions

In the spirit of helping other bewildered parents, here are some tried-and-tested whimsical answers you can keep in your back pocket:

• “What time will it be tomorrow?”
  
  Tomorrow will be 7 o’clock until further notice. We’re waiting for an official update from Father Time.
  
• “Why doesn’t the kangaroo make me fly?”
  
  Kangaroos only hand out flying powers on Tuesdays, and only if you’ve had three carrots. Check the fine print.
  
• “Daddy you should be mummy why are you a mummy?”
  
  Because every family needs balance: one mum, one dad, and one person who secretly eats the last biscuit.
  

Will she buy any of these? No. Will you feel marginally less like you’re failing a pop quiz written by Dr. Seuss? Absolutely.

So, hey, at least even the AI is stumped. Alas, this means we cannot add childrearing to one of the jobs robots will take from us. At least not for fae children.